If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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