i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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