My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
