she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
