She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
