No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
