He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
