dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
