this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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