I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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