Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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