Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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