Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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