I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
