All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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