I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize