I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Houston, we have a squirter
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
