Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
