There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize