I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
