Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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