sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
