My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
