where am i from again
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
