watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
