weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
