Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We had to coat check the pizza.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
