Cold hands, warm shart.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Randomize
