While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think my nap took me to another dimension
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
