Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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