Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize