From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
