I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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