So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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