If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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