I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
