Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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