hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Someone signed my nipple.
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