it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
