I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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