Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
