I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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