I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
