I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
