I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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