Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
