did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
