so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
