he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
