I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
