Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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