The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
