You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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