the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
