Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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