ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
