You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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