Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
