The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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