I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
