Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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